Happy New Year

2006 atlast... Its a minute past midnight. This is the first new year I am spending at home in the last 4 years... And I should say, its rocking!!! There is really no place like home... Looking forward to an absolutely rocking year!

A walk on the dark side

I have random spells of depression... no, I am not talking abouth those bad hair days. I am talking about a phase where I am down irrespective of good or bad things happening around me... Infact tattoos happen only when I am really down and in the mood for some pain on the body rather than on my mind.

So thats how the dragon happened. Now to make things worse, its septic. My last tattoo went really smooth. No infection, nothing. So this time my confidence level was high. Anyway, went to hospital. The doctor gave me a half an hour lecture on how reckless people are and how less my respect of a healthy body is! I cant say he is wrong. And at that moment, my dialogue of winning over emotional pain with physical pain sounded absurd. So I just kept quiet. So now I have a truck load of medicines with me and some blood tests to be done. As a parting word of wisdom, he said that I should be grateful that I did not die of tetanus.

Now I am back home... thinking... oh yeah, my favorite pastime... thinking!! And its not possible that I have one positive thought in my pessimistic mind....

Why am I so stupid and arrogant?
Why do I do things that I always regret later?
Why do I hurt myself? Even worse, why do I hurt the people I love?
Why do I not listen to people who say things out of love and affection for me?
Why cant I just be like others... laugh and cry at simple things in life?
Why is life so complicated?
Why does it hurt so much when you realize you are alone?
Why do tears burn a hole in your heart?

And why does a wasted existence get prolonged like this....

Looking back

2005 was a blink-and-you-miss kind of year. I can remember the last new year bash like yesterday. And before knowing where the year went, its 2006 already.

I guess 2005 was one of those un-eventful years. Nothing much happened. Or rather, nothing happened that left any major impact on the psyche. I think most of the year went in me chasing after my "still under construction" apartment and my career. Lets see...

January
Nothing

February
Nothing

March
One of my best friends (and my first love) got married to his long time sweetheart
I started blogging
I got my first tattoo - a dolphin

April
Promoted as Project Manager with retrospective effect from October 2004. Finally the salary reached a respectable number in paper. (Yes, only in paper. My take-home still sucks... but thanks to the paper, I get credit cards with higher limits)

May
Another year older

June
Officially the proud owner of a 3 bedroom apartment... sad to say, I still haven't moved in since there is no electricity & hence my electrical work is still pending

July
Went to Goa atlast... wish I had better company for the trip

August
One of my closest pals got married. The number of single friends I have is fast dwindling

September
Nothing

October
Nothing

November
Nothing

December
Got the next tattoo... a dragon this time


Lets see what 2006 brings in...

New Age Cinemas

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you say "Bollywood"?? 3 hour movies, over glamorized actors, fairy tale romances, movies with 12-15 songs, hero and heroine of a middle-class family story dancing atop the Alps or amidst the tulips in Amsterdam, outrageous costumes... Am I right? A story with a touch of reality or addressing a social issue is not a main stream cinema. That is the job of those film makers who target just the Cannes and Oscars... not the box-office.

The last two weekends were a welcome surprise for me. I saw 2 movies - Apaharan and Kalyug. I must say that I was pleasantly surprised. Yes, they have the songs, the star cast and the scenic locales. But they had something else too... a touch of today's world.

You dont need to read the newspapers daily to know what happens in Bihar. You get to hear about it when you just flip channels and accidentally hit upon a News channel. You see it when you browse through rediff or timesofindia. I think one of the biggest money making schemes in Bihar is kidnapping children for ransom. Infact, now the kidnappers even accept payment on an EMI basis!!! Apaharan was a blatant portrayal of the kidnappings in Bihar. Yes, the directors did not try to hide anything. I am pleasantly surprised that it made to the theaters without any hue and cry from our politicians. It also had another angle to it... how circumstances force a good human being to go bad. Every one of us has an Angel and a Demon in us. It is our circumstances that decide who rules. Ajay Devgan brought out the contrast of the Angel and Demon very effortlessly. Nana Patekar was a bit extreme. But I think that so are all the power mongers in our country.

How many of you Google?? If you are viewing my blog, you are obviously net-savvy and definitely use some search engine or the other. If you dont have any filters on, most of your searches will get you links to atleast a few porn sites. For example, if you are a feminist and try to google "Indian women", I can guarantee that atleast one of the first 10 results will be a porn site. Kalyug takes a stab at the porn industry and how it ruins the life of innocent people. There was a classic dialogue in the movie from a porn-site owner that goes something like "there is a huge demand for porn and if we don't supply, someone else will". It is very true. Today, we hear so much about MMS clips of students and celebrities alike. A persons privacy no longer has any value. In this demand and supply world, this movie portrays the fight of a man against a website.

I dont expect any of these movies to reform the world and make puritans out of everyone. But it will definitely stir the morale of some people atleast and make good samaritans out of them. As the saying goes, "Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery". Once we accept that these are problems prevalent in our society, we might think of steps to curb it. One baby step at a time...

Break

Today is my second day off from work. Down with fever. Runny nose. Sore throat. Usually, I hate being sick. But this time, I am loving it. It is such a relief to be away from work. I hate going to office now-a-days... There was a time when I used to love my work. But now it is just one big pain in the a**. Sometimes I even wonder if this is how pathetically a billion dollar company works, then what happens in the smaller ones???!! Thanks to the dramas happening in office, my blood pressure is shooting up and I am back to my being my old depressed self. I hate being in the middle of chaos and not be able to fix it... Yeah, thats me. The fixer upper. I love fixing things.

Enough of all this. Let me enjoy my time off... Even though I am sniffling and sneezing and coughing, this is the best I have felt in weeks or even months!!

Well begun is half done

In school, we had to write compositions on proverbs. The proverb will be provided to us and we have to first summarize the inner meaning meaning of the proverb and then go on to explain in length the nuances of the adage. The starters were like...
- All the glitters is not gold
- A stitch in time saves nine
- Look before you leap
- Well begun is half done

When Aristotle said that "Well begun is half done", I believe he was talking about planning your tasks and then putting your best step forward. This was the first lesson on planning that we used to receive at school. First understand your task. Then plan it. And finally, when you begin executing it, the chances of it going wrong are less. In the modern management jargon, we call it due diligence (How I hate this phrase!!!) With due diligence, well begun is as good as half done.

But today, reflecting back on my life, I feel a need to re-define this adage. I am not sure if it will hold good for others. But my new definition is right for me, bang-on!!

Well begun is half done... anything that had a good beginning will only be half done. It will never reach completion!

Trust me, I am not being a pessimist here. I am just telling you facts. If I analyze the things that have happened in the last 28 years, I have ample proof for this.

As a kid, I used to be very good at my studies. First grade - best student. Second grade - best student. With third grade, I started becoming one of the best. By fifth grade, I was just good. By seventh grade, I was average!!

Time of a New beginning... 8th grade. Struggled a lot. Studies day and night. But barely reached good. But by the time I matriculated from my 10th grade, I was again one of the best. Pre-Degree... One of the best in the class since I went to a college nearer to home while all the smart girls went to the smart girls college... So good start. Percentages fell like crazy.

Engineering... Started off as average with no interest in studies... After 4 years, I graduated with first class and distinction. And the best part - with a job!!!

Love Life... Old enough or rather dumb enough to fall in love. Fell in love with a close friend. It couldnt have been any better... but for one small problem... he already had a girl friend. Again, fell in love. This time, the caste system killed it. Again fell in love. The secular India still cannot accept relationships across states and people speaking different languages...

Software Industry...In my 7 years in IT, I have worked with only 3 clients. I have done numerous projects for each of these clients. Most of these projects were scrapped after months of hard work. In my 7 years, only 2 projects I worked in has seen the light of day. Some of the people who have known me from the beginning of my career say that I am jinxed!!

And then, the long awaited promotion. I am a manager now. New roles and responsibilities. A new start. My first venture into pre-sales. The first project proposal work. 2.5 million USD. Did a terrific job with the proposal. Won major accolades from all my peers and senior managers for one of the best co-ordinated work and proposal that they have seen. After slogging so much, it had to be good.

Lo and behold... the proposal got rejected! Another industry giant won the project. So I am back to believing that "Well begun" will always be just "half done".

Coming to think of it... I had a good childhood... a life well begun... hmmmm.

Inertia

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. - Victor Frankl

Routines are a part of our life from the time we are born to the day we die.

• A baby cries in regular intervals for food
• A kid has a regular pattern of play time and nap time
• Schools have planned sessions all through the day
• All sports events have a schedule
• TV channels air our favorite programs on schedule
• Offices have regular working hours
• Every 5 weekdays will be followed by a weekend
• Every night has a day

and so on and so on...

I guess you got the point. But in spite of all these routines, we still say that change in an inevitable part of life.

Changes... Changes... I hate them! I seriously do. I freak out at the prospect of any upcoming change. I get nervous. I get anxious. I think up all the things that could go wrong. I panic. I try to make excuses to avoid the change.

As far as I can remember, I have disliked change. It might have a little something to do with my upbringing. I lived in the same house for almost 20 years. I studied in the same school for 14 years - from kindergarten to my pre-degree. After that, 4 years for my bachelors in engineering. I then moved to Bangalore and yet another routine started. Worked in the same project for a year and a half. Went to Seattle and worked for the same client for another 3 years. Came back to Bangalore and have been working for the same client for the last 2.5 years.

In this short summary of my life, the worst days of my life has been

• when I moved from school to college
• when I moved from Trivandrum to Bangalore
• when I moved from Bangalore to Seattle
• when I moved from Seattle to Bangalore.
  

I hated those changes. I always felt that it is the worst thing that could happen to me. But once that I am done with the change, I adapt fine. But the 'inertia phase' before the change is horrendous. Its nothing less than traumatic on my psyche. I cant sleep. Even if I do fall asleep, I have nightmares. My blood pressure shoots up. I lose my temper for no reason. And all this energy welling up inside me just fizzles off once the change is done. When I later cut and dice my thought process during the 'inertia phase', it never makes sense. How could I have been so paranoid before and be so at home after!!


Can any one explain??

Gates and Murthy - Changing India

I was just watching Bill Gates and Narayana Murthy talk about "Changing India" in NDTV. Honestly, I think Prannoy Roy is just over doing it. All through the program, Roy seemed very keen on getting Gates or Murthy to say something incriminating about the US politics. "What impact did the warfare decisions of the United States have on Microsoft?". Gates dodged the question saying that the market is driven by the merits of the software and not by the political decisions of the US. On probing, he talked about WW II and the US involvement and the people who died. Roy interrupted saying that WW II is old story. What bout the recent warfare!! Give it a rest!! The program was named "Changing India" and not "Trashing US". Murthy made an even more controversial statement that US culture is very open and accommodating... even more so than India.

IMHO, Roy needs to take a break. Let someone who has their finger on the pulse of the guests and the audience handle the interviews!