Lonely at the top

Another 12 months and I will be 30... May is always a month of introspection for me. Its my way of trying to be wiser with age. The last year had been very eventful. After years of hardwork, I finally have my own team to manage. And the years of sweat has finally materialized as an apartment of my own.

Work used to be fun when I used to write code and do research. But I dont find the charm in management that most other people do. I had so many friends a few years back. But now, even though I am very friendly with my team, I feel a distance. And it has to be there... because end of the year, I need to appraise these people. For an unbiased opinion, some amount of distance helps. But on the flip side, it gets very lonely. As much as I appreciate the respect I get, I miss the informality.

A month back, I moved into my new apartment. I spend the last month with all the excitement of a new house owner. Everyday I found something or the other to buy for the house. My mom was also around sharing all the excitement. A week back, she left. And now the emptyness of the house really bites me... It hurts to wake up every morning in an empty house, to cook just for me, to clean up the house knowing that no one else is going to see it, to step into the rooms that remain locked up most of the time.

It really is lonely at the top. Sometimes I see myself standing alone in the balcony in the middle of the night, the cold breeze blowing, with so many other apartments around where I know that there are people living families to share their happiness and sorrows, kids wailing the night and sleeping off as soon as their moms rock their cradle. And in that moment, the pride of reaching the top melts under the warmth of my tears.

I was jaded, suffocated; it got too hard to breathe
But never got as high as I needed to be
You know life becomes worthless when they steal your dreams
I just couldn't live with what was left for me
And I couldn't run far enough from the truth - what's the use?
Yeah, it's lonely at the top
Happy is one thing it's not
- Bon Jovi

Tall, thin and fair

These are not just adjectives anymore. These are ambitions!! What do you want to be when you grow up? Long gone are the days when kids responded saying doctor, engineer, pilot, et al. Now they just want to be Aishwarya/Bipasha or John/Abhishek. Girls want to be tall, thin and fair. Boys want to be tall, macho and fair. That is their idea of perfection.

Switch on the TV and these are the ads you see...1. A dark skinned girl is getting engaged. Everyone says "lucky girl" coz she got a fair guy. So she uses a fairness cream. Lo and behold, on the day of the wedding, she is looking very fair... and everyone says "lucky boy" coz he got such a pretty wife!!2. A girl is feeling depressed coz she cant fit into a pair of skin tight jeans. She tries the new miracle drink and before you know, she is sporting a pair of skinny jeans and surrounded by guys.3. A guy wants to be in the basket ball team. But he is too short. So he is depressed. He walks half an hour everyday on some magnetic insoles and he is the next Michael Jordon.

What are we trying to say here??? To get a guy/girl, all you need is looks... In a country where a big part of the population is starving coz of poverty, we are now seeing girls who are anorexic. On one side, we have laborers sweating it out in construction sites and factories making rugged bodies... We also see young guys using steroids to pump up their muscles.

Are we getting so addicted to the skin deep beauty and the 6 pack abs that we are even willing to jeapordize our health? What happened to staying fit coz you want a longer healthier life? What about having pleasant manners? What about nurturing your intelligence?! And what about self esteem!!!!