Happy Birthday!

1998: Turned 21 on Mother's Day. I remember the day clearly. It was my last year of Engineering. I already had a job offer and I was to start at the job end of that year. I was going to be away from home and on my own for the first time in my life. Every year, my parents used to throw my a birthday party and the guests always were the same - Sreedevi and Peelu... sometimes Indu & Nisha too. But this year was different... there were boys ;) Just a couple of friends from college but it was a big deal for me and a new worry for my parents. But I had a blast. It was a birthday filled with a lot of hopes... Hopes for an exciting future - looking forward to a career, independence, new experiences, responsibility, love and eventually a family and a home - a turning point in life. I remember joking that day about my kids being able to celebrate my birthday and Mother's Day on the same day once in a few years.

2009: 11 years later, another birthday on Mother's Day. 11 years back, I imagined that I would be able to celebrate Mother's Day with my kids by now... It feels like I am once again waiting for life to take another turn. Some of the aspirations from 11 years back have come true... I have a decent career; I make a good living. I am independent. I had my share of new experiences. There was love... but there was loss too. There is a house... but it is not a home yet. Over the last 2-3 years, I feel like a hamster running in a wheel... It is the same routine over and over... And I am waiting for life to begin again... But while I am running in circles in that wheel, time is slipping by. I know that life doesnt happen... I need to make it happen. But I seem to have lost the will to live... I still have dreams and hopes and desires... but I have given up trying to realize them.

I feel like I am asleep and my wake up alarm is a lullaby and so I just keep sleeping.

Happy Birthday to me! And on this day, my advice to self is "Memento Mori!"