Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera


Well, not really. I don't think I ever asked my mom what I will be. Maybe its because being a girl born into a middle class Indian household, my options were pretty clear - you either become a Doctor or an Engineer. If you are not smart enough to make it, you can always study Home Sciences and get married as soon as you reach the legal age (or somewhere close enough).

I was a smart girl (or so I believe). Since I had already seen my future as a doctor or an engineer, everything I went through in life was an obstacle course with a very clear end result. I can make it on my own - I don't need a scholarship and so no point in wasting time with arts or sports. I spend most of my waking time with books - most of them were academic. I did not like competition and/because I did not like losing. Growing up, I realized three key things about me - (1) I am not very patient with people and their problems (2) I take failures personally and develop insecurities and guilty complexes (3) Last but not the least, I feel dizzy if I see someone else bleeding. I think that made the choice pretty clear in my mind - if I cannot listen to other people's pain or if I feel guilty each time I cannot cure someone or if I cannot stand blood, I have no business being a doctor. So engineering, it is. With my options narrowed down to one, it was smooth sailing.

I was very proud of my math and physics skills... and my first doze of reality was when I started prepping to get into IIT. I am not as smart as I thought I was! Stuff just started going over my head. I had two options - work harder or give up. I took the easier route. And my parents helped - they wanted me to stay as close to home as possible. So IIT was not an option! Yes, I have an excuse to give up. Getting into the Engineering College closer to home was a cakewalk for me. But the fact that I gave up on IIT kept me awake at night. Then came the pep-talk from my parents - "If you always keep looking up at things you do not have, you will never be happy. You should be grateful for things you have that others don't." Made perfect sense. I was back to feeling like a superstar.

4 years in Engineering College - very little of that time was spent studying. Living in an extremely protected environment, I was not equipped for life in the real world. So I spend most of the 4 years learning basic social skills and failing miserably at that. The only friends I made (as usual) were people who dared to initiate a conversation with me and were not put off by my total lack of empathy. 3 years into college, my dipping averages made me revisit my choice. Slowly, I realized that Electronics Engineering is not same as repairing household electronic gadgets by trial and error (my dad and I used to do this a lot). I was too proud to fail at anything and so I put my head back into studying. A mandatory C programming course in the third year sparked my interest in software. By the time I graduated, my averages were back up to respectable levels and I had a job at a leading software services company.

Its 12 years since I graduated. I worked in the same company till a month back. I went through phases - I wanted to be a programmer for life; I wanted to be rich (don't care doing what); I wanted to be a project manager; I wanted to be a technical consultant; I wanted to be a business consultant. And I found couple of other personality flaws. I hated change - so I stuck with the same company. I hated confrontation - so I did whatever I was asked to do instead of what I wanted to do. Finally, something snapped. I decided I wanted a change - not because of any reason - just because I wanted to prove to myself that I can handle change. Quit a job I held for 12 years and started at a new place. My most recent aspiration was to be a business consultant and so I took a job as one. Its too early to make any judgment on how the new job is going to pan out but for me, personally, it was the best decision I made.

Now that I know I can change, I am back to the original question, What will I be? I wish someone had told me while I was growing up that the future is not ours to see. I wish I had not set goals so early in life. I wish I had taken the time to figure out what I wanted to be. I wish I had been more open to change. I skipped evolution and went straight to a stereotype. Maybe I would have been good at some performing arts. Maybe I would have been a good teacher. Maybe I would have got a useless degree in philosophy. Maybe... Is it too late to figure out now?